The NSWNE syndrome

Today's entry was in honour of my good friend Parkins.
But it's gone now.  By far, the best line:

Also - how weird is the spelling of that word - "diarrhea"?  I'll say this for it though - that is one word I'm glad isn't an onomatopoeia!

Speaking of good train rides.  Let me tell you what an adventure that was.

Canadian trains are so cute. Only three cars, one of them first class, and one of them empty because not enough passengers. *sigh*

So I was half an hour early for my 5pm departure. Those who know me will be quite impressed with that feat. Then I heard the announcment "train from Toronto 15 minutes late", and decided to Skype with my girl (Blessed be free WiFi!) til 5pm or so.  At which point I got up, packed the laptop and went to the gate, and the guy looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "You're too late! The doors are shut!" And I said, "But I heard an announcement it was 15 minutes late!" "That was the train from Toronto, not the train to Toronto!"

Huh. I assumed it was the same friggin train.

Making assumptions suck.

Starting to sweat about having to pay $77 for another ticket, I went back to the ticket office, waited in line, then pleaded my case. Luckily the guy took pity on me and gave me another ticket for 6:20pm. Ok, no biggie. So I txt Joe I'll be late, sit down and Skype some more.  I keep looking up for movement but nobody seems to really be going anywhere.  Nonetheless, at 6:15pm, I decide it's probably time to pack up and go. I nonchalantly walk up to the boarding area except - no line? no attendant? Nobody, nothing?! Oh my god did I friggin miss the train again?! That's ridiculous it's not even 6:20pm yet how could it be too late! I run past the barrier, down through the circular hallway to the bottom floor, across the tunnel to the far side I see "Toronto", run up the escalator...

And nothing. Just an empty platform. Railway tracks on both sides. No train in sight. 6:20pm.

WHAT THE HELL!

Now I'm embarrassed. I mean... shit! How do I explain this to the guy who already did me a favour. But what choice do I have? That was the last train of the night, I guess I'll have to take one tomorrow - I hope they'll at least let me use this ticket towards purchasing the new one - because if they don't, I'll have to rideshare! Too late to do that tonight... Dammit, what a waste of money!

Back at the ticket counter, the guy sees me in line and looks at me like, "holy crap how retarded can a man be" and I shrug sheepishly. I have no idea what to tell the guy. Except that the train was gone before it was even 6:20pm! And it's not just my watch, it's the train station's own, I checked! Yeah, that'll get 'em - I mean sure, I wasn't around when they boarded but they can't leave early.

"You missed the train again, didn't you. Except for one thing. The train hasn't arrived yet."

Oh! Hah! Right, I knew that! *HUGE RELIEF*

Turns out there was a big delay, people were freaking out about missing their flights at Dorval, buses were organized, chaos was had - but I still had a valid ticket! Woohoo!

Some more Skype, and another hour later, I board the train that departs at 7pm. Chatting with the attendants I find out the grim reason for the delay. I'll let you all guess. A girl in a white dress with her arms crossed. That's all I know.

So there I am, in my jolly good mood, when only 15 minutes after departing we're stopped again. "Reason for the delay is because there's another train coming to Ottawa and they have priority." In air traffic, planes that are late are given priority. In train traffic it's the other way around?

And so it was, that at Smiths Falls we had to wait 40 minutes for some other train.

My ETA in Toronto, originally 9:30pm, was now 1:30am, which incidentally, is past the time subways run.

But I just went to talk to the attendant dude and he said "he'd sort me out", which I assume means pay for a cab. Plus I got free food!

So it's 11:22pm, I'm in Belleville, I finished today's blog entry on time, and I got pasta salad to boot.

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

(Holy shit blogging is time-consuming how the hell do people do this on a regular basis. I've got to learn to cut out the crap. Tomorrow's blog entry will be limited to half this one.)

PS. For lunch I made fried zucchini & garlic, caprese al forno with my homemade mozzarella cheese, risotto ai funghi porcini, and cilantro halibut steaks on the BBQ.

Welcome!

Hi everyone!
My friends have been taking pity on me recently in a "what the hell are you doing with your life" sort of way.  But beyond just the usual criticisms and accusations, these are real friends: they were actually proactive and took it upon themselves to solve my professional challenges.

So they came up with this fantastic idea that I should wear diapers and blog about not going to a real bathroom for a whole year.

But I didn't really feel like doing that, plus it's not ecologically friendly and my brother would disapprove.

But today - a stroke of serendipitous genius led to the creation of this blog! Yes, one social faux-pas a day, where every day, I will post how I fucked something social up. Often I'll do this more than once a day, but that's great because I can store 'em up and bank them for the days I just sleep all day. Or maybe that counts as a social faux-pas?

So today's entry is all about this hot girl I haven't met called Jo-Babe (names have been modified to protect identity of bearers). See, my friend Laura told me about this great super-hot single friend of hers that she wanted to hang out with (which I interpreted as introduce me to so of course got all excited). Maybe too excited.

You see - tonight is all-you-can-eat mussel's night (yes it was MY idea, thank you.)

But what happened, when good old Sue asked me whether I'd grace the group with my attendance?

Behold: the First Social Faux-Pas Thread in History (of this blog):

Sue wrote:  Zingers, tu y seras? 
Without you, we reschedule!
Sue

I wrote:  Oh, the pressure!
All you can eat mussels?  YOU BET I'm in!
We were thinking of trying to show up a bit earlier ('round 8pm) but looks like they're open until 11pm so should be ok.
Shall I make reservations?
So far we're Ericson(&Roya?), Jingers&Laura, Sue&Parkins, Vicky&Me (see what I did there?) = 8 people!  Laura is your hot single friend coming?  Oh!  Hi Jo-Babe!  Didn't see you there.
-Zingers on not enough sleep

Laura wrote: 8:00pm start time is fine (Vicky and I will be a bit late - but that way you can start without us!).  For the  record the website says that they serve til 11pm... 
See everyone tonight at Coasters!  I beleive there are 8 of us in (me, Parkins, Sue, Vicky, Jingers, Zingers, Ericson, Roya). 
Laura

I wrote: What?  No Jo-Babe?  (That's it! That's all! Just ... a note of genuine concern for an unknown friend's lack of attendance. I just didn't want Jo-Babe not to have any mussels. Because like I say, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.  But seems like my cold-hearted friends don't agree!)

Laura wrote: Nope - she's got plans with a friend. 
Rossitron has Jiu Jitsu til 10 so he can't make it either.  
Laura 

(But in private, she sent me something of an anger which I dare not reproduce. Oh.  It was nasty. That's when I began to suspect - oh no. Have I committed a social faux-pas already?  It wasn't even noon!)

Ericson wrote: Who's the friend?
I'm thinking she'd have a better time with Zingers.
Can you get her to cancel?

See - what I love about Ericson is - I can always count on him to join me on faux-pas.  He's quite the master of faux-pas himself.  In fact - he should be writing this blog, his stories are far more entertaining than mine.  Like this one time, I think he had sex with three women in his house, one in the closet, one in the bathroom, and another in the living room - and nobody had any idea.  Ok that's not so much faux-pas as it is pure genius.  I guess sometimes we get lucky.  But seriously folks. Sometimes he fucks up too.  That's why I can count on him to back me up on my faux-pas.  He understands.  He knows how it is.

I wrote: Thanks Ericson.
To be honest, I think so too.
But I might have scared her already.  (I actually got an order to decease and desist.)
So ix-nay on the more ai-boshing-kay.


By the way, Jingers, I know it's supposed to be "cease and desist", it's an inside joke because Laura actually did want me to decease i.e. die and desist.

Jo-babe finally responds: haha...I just got all the emails at once. Sorry to disappoint. I'll try my best to make it out to the next gathering. Sounds like it would be tons of fun!

VINDICATED!  I write, conclusively:
See!  I told you!  Nothing to worry about, she loves me already.

Well there you have it!  My first social faux-pas blog entry.  Which isn't even a faux-pas because she totally, clearly digs me, despite my friends' ill-based concerns.

Stay tuned for more!  I'm good at this shit yo.

I've finally found my life calling.

So when exactly do I get rich from a book deal?